So click that link, ALRIGHT?!?!

Tickets: purchased.

I am so going to see the Circus tour. Now I need to find someone to join me. Anyone for a road trip to Greensboro?

Then a twitter miracle:

britneyspearsThe Circus is coming back to the states and I’ve made some really hot changes. Check out http://BritneySpears.Com for the new dates.-Britney

What ho, Britney?

Sure enough, the day I enter the unknown world of Ramen and (hopefullymaybe) unemployment checks, tickets go on sale. The Circus is back stateside and I have every friggin intention of catching a show.

So when there’s something so horribly unsanitized, so completely against what we want our celebrities to be, we recoil, we step back, we say, "They don’t have it together at all" or "Why didn’t they do something about that" and we love love love it. We love how revolting they can be. I wouldn’t argue that it’s because it makes us feel like they’re human or "just like us." I’d say it’s just because we love when people screw up.

Enter my old friend menstruation. Oh Britney, how could you forget your time of the month and go to your photo shoot, try on all of the pretty dresses, only for disaster to strike.  I’m a queasy person, I don’t like talking about period, and so yes, I think it’s gross that it happened, but mostly I think it’s gross to talk about.

So here is what I’m thinking: before we vomit everywhere, take a deep breath. Ladies, think about your moon cycle and your inner Artemis (that would be the goddess of the hunt and bein’ a strong lady and wolves and stuff) and let’s just not think of this as Britney Spears is gross, but Britney Spears is showing us all her true feminity. She’s a woman (possibly womyn), she’s real, she’s a person, she’s more than a photoshopped glossy page. With the second (!) time that her menstruation has been made public, she’s really just doing a great piece of performance art, asking us to confront our fears and discomfort with the cycle and accept our womanness.

Or something like that, okay.

• Newsflash: Britney Spears–she’s just like our parents. She doesn’t use an iPod or iPhone, presumably because they’re newfangled gadgets. Sure, Britney has a offbrand (Samsung, pfft!) video player and listens to music on her blackberry, but c’mon! You know she’s as cranky as Bob and Debbie when it comes to technology.
• Britney, she’s just like every other girl in her twenties! She was a bridesmaid in her cousin’s wedding.
• She’s like other adults–she’s remaining friends with her ex, K-Fed!
• She’s just like normal, non-celebrity parents! She prioritizes her kids first!
• Just like every daughter, she has to listen to her dad, even when he makes her add a string of dates to her UK tour!

“Hey, I have an idea for a song for Britney’s new album.”

“Awesome! Is it something empowering to help dispel the image of her being totally out of control of her life?”

“Eh, not really.”

“Well, okay, is it something upbeat and fun, you know, to show that she’s fine after this past year of personal strife?”

“Well, not really.”

“Oooh, is it an emotional ballad about her broken heart?”

“Well, kindof. You know when you drink to much and some guy takes advantage of you and you wake up the next morning feeling awful and asking yourself ‘Where am I?’ ‘What am I doing’?”

“You mean date rape. You want to write a song about date rape.”

“Yes.”

“Good idea. People love ballads about date rape. “

Today Amanda of The Sexist featured  seventh track off of Spears’ Circus album, Blur, as a Date Rape Anthem. She did a great job detailing the general rapiness of the song, as well as pointing out that Britney did not write the song herself, rather it was the brainchild  of Marcella Ariac, Stacy Barth, and Nathaniel Hills and producer Danja.

It was an interesting choice to include in Britney’s comeback effort; while most of the songs are about empowerment, taking charge, and being in control, the narrator of Blur is not only a victim, but a victim who blames herself–”I shouldn’t have given in, but I just couldn’t fight,” she sings. It was her fault for giving in, for not being able to fight. And with that, she recuses her unnamed assailant.

The song is so empty and apathetic, as evidenced by the recurring “Hey yeah yeah” lyric, as if to say, “I don’t have anything meaninful to say about this, so I’m just going to make some sort of sound.” There is no overcoming, there is no taking control, there is just, “this happened and I’m going through the motions, too bad.”

A song isn’t going to cause someone to rape or cause someone who has been sexually assaulted to become the victim in their situation, but this song does add to the general apathy toward date rape–the idea that if you dress a certain way or act a certain way, you’ve just set yourself up to be assaulte or the bizarre logic that if two people are drunk, then it can’t be rape. Blur excuses the actions with tacit passiveness.

Well, friends, that is Britney Spears burden. But don’t worry, it sounds like she’s been busy burning through her sweet, sweet moolah.

Thanks to her conservatorship, all of Britney’s financial records are public, so all the world can know that she spends about $1.23 million a month.

My favorite article on the subject includes this quote

…but the majority of her money was used on staff, legal fees, her lavish lifestyle and caring for her two young sons.

What else do you spend money on? You included her entire “lavish lifestyle” in there.

For more of a breakdown of Britney’s expenses, I’ve scoured the web and discovered these alleged expenses:

Home repairs: $65,777
Mortgage on one LA home: $382,227.82
Rent on Malibu home: $140,527.89
Cable and satellite bills: $2423.75
Pet Care: $341.28
Security:$447,633
Credit card bills:$138,369
Ongoing legal fees associated with her custody battle:$625,000
“Staying in shape” (whatever that means):$10,000/month
Children:$240,000
Christmas decorations:$3,400
Having her holiday lights taken down:$5,840

Hey y’all.

I figure if Britney can do all of that crap she does, I can find 5 minutes out of the day when I’m not working/catching up on Friday Night Lights that I can update this blog.

I have approximately 80 billion Britney Spears related emails in my inbox waiting for me to read through and offer insightful analysis. So let me get on that and I’ll be back to semi-regular postings.

Also, I’m thinking there might be some changes to SPEARS STUDIES in the near future. I’ll keep you apprised.

Hold onto your pantaloons, kids, we’re coming back.

An excited Britney fan thinks…

(thanks Jared + Max)

Close up for good measure

• Hey did you see those twelve horsemen ride by too? It seems like the end is nigh in Britneyverse. A teen died in a car accident on the way home the Pittsburgh stop on the Circus tour.
• Britney passed President Obama as the second most followed person on Twitter… and then was almost immediately ousted by Ashton Kutcher. If that’s not a sign of end times, I don’t know what is.
• Britney celebrates Earth Hour with a free download. The point, ur missing it.
• God hates Britney Spears? I wouldn’t worry too much because apparently after the rapture, Kirk Cameron is still going to be dicking around.
• Pop quiz: “A huge mess with yapping dogs scooting around” describes A) Britney’s tour plane or B) my apartment?
• I need to brush up on my Revelations, but are horribly dull photo albums of DIY Britney t-shirts part of it?
• And it just wouldn’t be the end of times without locusts with human faces… or vintage K-FED!