Please don’t sue me, Jamie Spears.

Word on the street is Jamie Spears has ordered the death sentence for BreatheHeavy.com, a Britney Spears fansite. Jamie, Britney’s father and overlord of her conservatorship, ordered the site close due to copyright infringement, citing that the website illegally uses “(i) the copyrighted lyrics to songs written and/or recorded by Ms. Spears; (ii) Ms. Spears’s trademarked name, (iii) various video and audio recordings embodying the performances of Ms. Spears; and (iv) photographic images of Ms. Spears.”

Of course the site owner thinks this has more to do with some disparaging comments she’s made about the conservatorship and Jamie Spears in general. I have few kind words for Jamie Spears, or any parent who takes complete control of their adult child’s finances with little regard for the longterm impact or general conflict of interest–and all of that before requesting a $16,000 a month salary to take care of their ill child. I’ve already predicted a long-drawn out legal battle over Britney’s financial estate, which is no personal slight to Mr. Spears–it is simply a conflict of interest that will not resolve itself well.
Right on the tail of the story about the blog is a leaked phone call, supposedly from Britney, pleaing for help, accusing her father of trying to take away her kids. Even if the phone call is a fake, it still reflects the growing public sympathy for Britney, not to mention the horrible tension between being a commodity and being a person.

Internet Roundup: Boy don’t try to front!

• Roadies! Two members of Britney’s crew got into a fight, then started to fight with the cops that came to breaks up the fight. Britney said this was bad. Also one of the dude’s is named Rockey Lee Dickey.
• Micheal Jackson! Rumor is Britney will join the King of Pop on stage in London.
• House Minority Whip, Eric Cantor! So he skipped Obama’s big speech, big deal! If I was him, my statement to the press would read: “F the haters–Brit for lyfe!”
  
• Tony Soprano-esque New Jersey types! This headline says that Britney unleashed her inner Jersey girl. Apparently that means she went shopping with her mom and ate at Johnny Rockets. I was hoping it would be a report about her teasing her hair and getting acrylic nails.
• Fred Durst! He just won’t shut up about her, will he?
• Adnan Ghalib! His sexy landing strip beckons! Is it true that Britney is still texting him to tell him that she feels like a prisoner? Because she kind of is a prisoner? Isn’t he going back to Afghanistan?

Spears Sextrology

We know what Laura Schlessinger, Dr. Drew, Perez Hilton, tabloids, E! news and the rest of world has to say about Britney Spears, but what do the cosmos have to say? I turned to my trusty source, Sextrology, the definitive source for dirty astrology. It’s about to get filthy here.
Spears is a Sagittarius, a fire sign, just like Judi Dench, Jane Fonda, Lucy Liu, Katie Holmes, Bette Midler, Edith Piaf, Tyra Banks and Emily Dickinson. Sag women are natural winners–the one who gets it all. They are the sort of person who explodes on the scene and always more-is-more. But “she tends to be skittish, often harboring emotional anxieties and low self-esteem.”

After the cut: what are her gay and straight turn-ons (these are not for the faint of heart!) and what the stars say about her and KFed’s coupling. Don’t worry mom, these are straight from the book and I have no idea what any of them are.

Internet Roundup: SUPER DUPER ROUNDUP

SORRY CHARLIES, the nonBritney-related universe called and I had to answer. But now I’m back with a SUPER DUPER Britney Internet Roundup.

• 9 minute romp in the bathroom with a backup dancer? That’s my girl!
• Circus has gone platinum. What does that mean?
• MTV ranks their top five fave outfits from the Circus tour. I’m a fan of “pasty” Spears.
• Britney has $2.7 million in legal fees from 2008 alone. Who is in charge of all of her money again? Oh that’s right, her father and her lawyers. There’s no way that could turn out badly, right?
• People have been calling Britney “jelly belly” and “Bulky Spears” which hurt her feelings.  Are people surprised by this?
• You can buy an outfit on ebay that Britney wore in her film Crossroads. It comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Britney Spears herself, so you know it’s the real deal!
• Just like the great Bristol/Levi romance, it seems that Jamie Lynn and her babydaddy Casey Aldridge have called off their engagement. Why oh why don’t teenage couples who get knocked up and then are pressured to get married to make things right seem to last?
• You can vote for Britney Spears as one of the 100 Most Influential people in Time Magazine. Exsqueeze me internet, go vote.
• Unrelated, but how great does the Where the Wild Things Are trailer look? I don’t even want to see the movie, I’m so satisfied with those 2 minutes.

Internet Round Up: Topsy Turvy Edition!

• Joyce, Shakespeare and Britney Spears? Did you know James Joyce and Shakespeare also used lewd homophonic spelling devices, just like Britney’s If You Seek Amy? Joyce used the ole “If you see kay” line AND the witty “see you in tea” while Shakespeare took it all to the toilet.
• Sondheim and Britney? Despite the headline, the article is really just about Anne Steele singing both Sondheim and Britney Spears in her concert. Moving on.
• Britney and books? Britney Spears turned down a $3 million publishing deal for her autobiography, because she wants closer to $8 million? I thought there was a publishing freeze.
• Hannity, Dr. Drew, and Britney? Dr. Drew went on Hannity a couple of days ago to hock his new book and talk about how Britney needs a calmer life, find peace with a higher power, and leave the fame game behind while she recovers. Also about kids are vulnerable and parents need to parent.
• Adnan and Britney? A three year restraining order should do the trick.
• In not-so topsy turvy news: Jezebel reviewed the Circus show and affirmed everything I had assumed.

The Singles: Sometimes

Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide, sometimes I’m afraid of you, but all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, be with you day and night, baby all I need is time.

Before we begin, lets be clear: when interpreting Britney’s lyrics it’s important that they don’t give insight into her own thoughts or feelings. Britney Spears doesn’t write her songs and I imagine she has very little, if any, say in the songs that she records and how her songs are chosen to be singles. However, some calculating genius does make these decisions, and, in doing so, help construct her public persona.

Sometimes is a fantastic example of this. It was obviously a calculated move to follow up the smash …Baby One More Time with a ballad, especially a ballad that preaches the virtue of “moving slow.” Obviously countering the lolita image that her prior success created, the Sometimes video features an excessively demure Britney Spears looking wistfully at her love interest at the beach. Basking in virginal white for most of the video, the message is clear: “Who me? I’m too risque? No way.”

Internet Round Up: Fox News Edition

• Fox News Host Megyn Kelly, whose hard hitting analysis of  If You Seek Amy is mocked at the the beginning and end of the single’s video, says, “Bring it, Britney.” Honey, it was brought.
• This reporter compares Britney to Alaska’s finest and perennial Fox fave, Sarah Palin. He says,  “Britney is Sarah Palin. Baby drama headlines. Podunk back story and a massive industry machine behind her. She’s a manufactured star aimed at the lowest common denominator.” I’m saying, Britney 2012!
• A gay couple was attacked outside of Britney’s New Jersey concert, or as this family-friendly yet horribly vague headline would say: Men Allege Vicious Bias Attack After Spears.
• Want to win a bonafide Britney Spears outfit, yet remain Republican-friendly? Lacoste and Britney have teamed up for a contest. Winner wins a pink sweater set like Britney wears in the If You Seek Amy video.
• Britney to cancel her Circus tour, citing death threats? What the If You Seek A

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Let us network socially: Spears Studies is on  facebook. So add it and join in the discussion board, plz k thx

Internet Roundup: On the road again

• Britney is being forced to read The Bible for one hour a day! It sounds like either the Duggar household or what people in a 12-step program are encouraged to do!
• Britney feels like a prisoner on tour! No cell phone! No internet! No junk food! No late night rendezvous with her baby daddy!
• This reporter thinks that it’s inappropriate to bring tweens to the Circus show! The Pussycat Dolls are just strippers without the poles! What is wrong with parents these days, making their own decisions about what is appropriate for children!
• Even though Madonna supposedly flips her shit when Britney Spears is played in the clubs, she’s joining Britney for a duet for Britney’s NYC show. She also might show up for one of Spears’ LA dates, but that’s supposed to be a surprise.
• Or maybe not.
• Has Britney already gone from fab to flab? Also, who do I have shake to get that phrase banned from Earth? Concert goers were apparently aghast to see Britney’s taut stomach go flabby. In a matter of two weeks? I don’t know, man, sounds like a train to crazy town to me.
• The Spears legal team is in action again, filing a motion to strike Osama “Sam” Lutfi’s allegations of libel, defamation, battery, breach of contract, & emotional distress. I’m loathe to call someone a cry baby, but seriously. Buck up, man.
• No seriously, someone, I need tickets to the DC show.

Jamie Spears and the Gulag Politics of the Conservatorship

It’s been over a year since Jamie Spears took control of his daughter’s life and assets, whipping his frappucino-downing, Mercedes-wrecking, head-shaving, bad-decision-making daughter back into shape. In a relatively short time, Britney made a major turn-round, looking fabulous, releasing an awesome album, and undertaking a major tour that is has been receiving great reviews for its sheer spectacle value. Jamie Spears has performed a miracle on his daughter’s career and life.

Jamie Spears is getting paid $16,000 a month to be the father to his daughter (do the math and cry, parents of the world), providing her the healthy structure for her life that disappeared in 2007, leading to many of her problems. By her own admission, though, the current situation is stifling for Britney. It’s hard to not feel bad for the girl. Those of us who have wonderful, caring fathers who would jump to save us from ourselves know that sometimes they can go overboard and say things like, “You can date when you’re married.”